Not the dancing. Life.
I awoke at half one in the morning today with a profound sense of what am I doing?
My life is literally in limbo. It has been since 2012 I guess. It has little sense of direction; most of my friends are getting married, starting families and getting on with theirs, whether the system is fair or there is injustice seems irrelevent to most people. It's understandable, life goes on.
It really made me question if it's worth it....at 1:30 am, as you do.
It's a difficult life opting out. I'm lucky that up to this point I've had the fortune of understanding parents that let me use their house for less that half the price it would cost to rent somewhere horrible.
But at 37, and back home with the parents is probably what's causing a great deal of this limbo.
My travels around Europe were fun. After spending time in the S.France I came to the conclusion I don't want to live there. It's too hot, too touristy and not particularly nice to be honest. The nicest part of France is definitely the Loire valley. Do I want to live there though? I don't know. It's pretty isolating to live somewhere without a partner and a language barrier.
I have a plan. It's been my plan since 2012 and I need to kick it up a notch now.
I'm in the fortunate position that my wages grow exponentially. I gamble for a living, so the more money I have, the more I can bet, the more I can earn. Of course the flip side is, most people go to work and know at the end of the day they'll get paid. The days I work the hardest are generally ones that cost me money.
I'm going to crank it up. Everytime I add more leverage it changes my behaviour and I don't do so well. I'm going to address this over the dark winter, if I don't my income will be as stagnant as my life. I need to make this change.
If I can fix this issue, then come spring I'll be able to rent somewhere in this country, and will be earning enough money to just not give a shit how much it costs.
Then, hopefully my life will begin once again. I think it's not having roots, or being settled, it makes you feel a little lost. There must be millions of people in this position in life right now. The government have really fucked things up for a generation.
Anyway, here's a list of shit I need to do for my winter plan:
- Stop reading the Daily Mail. It's quite literally the biggest waste of time ever and will never result in anything positive. It's designed to make you feel stressed and angry. I think this is true of most news actually, ignorance is bliss. - No news.
- Get healthy again. My diet has gone to pot of late, and exercise seems to be a something I used to do. I'll change that now.
- Drink less. I spent most of the first half of this year t-total and I enjoyed it. The beauty of waking up fresh each morning cannot be overemphasised.
- Use a tracking journal for my job. I think this is key, I need cold hard statistics to ensure the leverage doesn't affect me negatively.
- Don't isolate myself; life's too short. Fix it rather than stress about it.
- Don't be bitter.